i'm getting disoriented again.

i'm not sure what to make of my surroundings now, everythings starting to get confused now
i hate it when this happens, theres always a severe drop off after ive been coasting on a high for a little bit

i was making beats everyday

i was on the verge of some really big projects

i was meeting beautiful women and making headway in my tattered relationship

now i feel like i'm drowning in it all

my beats all sound the same
my land lord's calling me and asking if i'm going to renew my lease 6months into my current one
i really dont want to but i honestly don't feel like looking for a new apartment

i also want a new job

i'm sick and tired of wearing ties to work and making weak money

i'm unhappy with this thing me and t have
i need to tell her but it's incredibly difficult to breach the walls on this subject, i'm just too nice
so there's this thick atmosphere of disillusionment thatwe're just wandering around in

girls in general are getting on my nerves and i'm having one of those spells where i'm thinking maybe i'm better off alone, single forever, jacking off at my computer/tv staring at naked women who give you no strings attached sex appeal in 4 hour blocks, and will stop when ever you're ready

i don't think about anything else but music and that leaves no space for relationships
i'm trying to squeeze other shit back in but it feels like i'm up against a wall already

i know i can't live like this much longer... i often say that if the music thing doesnt work, that i'll beh appy knowing that i gave it the old college try, and move back in to mainstream life where i hold down a job, get a family and die like the average american

but deep down inside i know thats a lie

if this music stuff dont work man, i dont know
ive done myself a great disservice investing so much in it, so much of myself and my hopes and aspirations
its one of the few things in this world that's remotely real to me
part of my disorientation involves me secondguessing myself
but i know i'm not good enough
nobody is trying to pay me for the beats i make, for real
and i'm struggling to not make the same beat every day
i don't feel like i'm particularly talented at crafting music
i'm trying to find my niche but i'm feeling around blindly.. and it's not like ive got some stipend to support my creative exploration

i have to go to work 5 days a week, 8 hours a day

i just feel like i'm falling apart, man

i cant keep up with the passage of time
i'm getting ready to go on a trip that as of now has no significant point
i'm tired all the time
i'm unhappy, angry even
i'm STILL being pulled in 3 diff directions, this time only by friends

and i can't keep a date with God to save my life

lol if there ever was a textbook case for biblebearing warriors of god to come thru and scoop a nigga up, this is it... i'm KNEELING before life and begging for a chance

i really do just want to be myself man.

i think that's it

I THINK THAT'S IT!

i want to be myself, no distractions, no explanations, no apologies

i have this image in my head, of who i really am... of course it includes my natural flaws, things i cant change.. like my tooth is still crooked and i still have this weird skin that bruises itself
and i still have these goofy ass thumbs that look like they may be triple-opposable
but i want to do things taht i want to do, without people questioning me
if i want to have a friend over for the weekend i dont want to check in about it with NOBODY
i also want to beable to say no to that friend and not have the friend throw a tantrum

i want to get this tattoo on my arm and grow my goatee out and wear my hair kinda nappy without my folks writing me off as alost cause... i want them to respect me regardless and when i say something i want them to hear a man saying it

i want my music to command attention and i want it to command dollars, and i want it to be what pays the bills so i dont have to come into this godforsaken office one more day... i want to fly on a plane to LA to do a session with some rapper, lay down some beats on my laptop nad have completed a days work by the end of that day.. i wanna get paid off THAT

i wanna go back home after 2 days in LA and finsih up the vocal takes onmy own ground breaking LP that's been so long in the works.. and have a release party and sell 100k independent, take the money and by more equipment, get started on a new batch of beats, go record shopping in france and brazil, spend some time on the beach, invest some dough, by a house, and pray every day because that's what my routine is built on.. my prayer

i wanna see some dividends off my prayer

i wanna see god work

i wanna be certain in my mind that i'm in line with his purpose to the best of my ability, and that he understands where im fallin off... i wanna be sure that i'm giving it my all too... and i wanna have that worked out so that it's not always bearing down on my conscience like a dull pain

basically i wanna build my little box to live in and i want to be happy once i close the doors...

so much to do man

sigh