the work week begins

these days i'm actually anxious to get to work. just wanna see these paychecks stack. gonna be hard covincing mnyself to *not* spend money tho.

i talked to r yesterday. she saw my blog and started running off at the mouth about how i wasn't proactive, so to speak. like, yo. don't give me a pep talk when i've already done the self help thing. she has no right to any of me, any more.

i can't stand her, honestly. the way she talks, what she talks about, she's just a ridiculous character that i can do with out. she thinks she can lay some sort of a claim now that she lives in the same city as me. think again. you have fun with your possessive boyfriend... i'm good over here.

________________________

...so i havent been praying like ive wanted to. i left my bible at home. it's gonna be hard getting that part of my life straightened out... but i'ma work at it.

i met this girl online, through okayplayer, and she's interested in some of my music for a mix tape she's putting together. it's a project, i'll take it. as many projects as i can get my sounds involved with, i'll take them and run. i have to knock out these two tracks for purnell, the 3 pc. for Cdyce, and then *maybe* something for The Mic Sounds Nice.

it doesnt matter who the takers are at this point, or whether i get paid. i've got something to prove to everybody and i'm not fronting like i dont care. because i do. the fact that EVERYbody had/has the same opinion of me is hurtful. but it's not their fault, even though i'm shoving their opinons right in my gas tank.

it's my fault.

almost 25, and largely a waste of a man.

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denise called me yesterday... as mean as she tries to be, she really does look out for me. i appreciate that so much. i have to let her know i got her message and that i'm thankful for her help. she might could get it too.

nah but really. she's looking out. on her weekend. that's checking for a broham.

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i still havent received a response from IAR. i guess i'm going to have to call them. i'm trying to get this school visit somewheres in the vicinity of last week of october.

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i dont even want friends anymore man. i'm just hellbent on proving something to everyone. kinda scared of that.

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t mentioned something in her blog that had me thinking. let me quote exactly.

"i dont know what to do. i halfway dont know what i want anymore.
well that's a lie--i know who i want. i just dont know that the immediate future is going to (or should) allow it anymore."

wha?

i so have a feeling that she isn't leaving that state.

i guess i should start bracing for impact, eh?

im glad i posted those im convos

i'm sure everybody who i borrowed from reads it and thinks i'm an ass...
but it's there for a reason.

everytime i click on that page and read it i tear up.
i spent like 20 minutes today going through my old entries.
it's sad. because i gave everybody my delusions of grandeur as some sort of pretense regarding my striving for success, and i managed to convince myself that they'd be fooled.

everybody saw through me.
i just had no idea i was transparent.

it makes me want to cry. i can feel tears welling up right now. because i was & am, a shambles.

but i'm pitying myself, seeing my flaw and recognizing it as such, and that's only a small percentage of the war i'm waging.

that last post on manofwords reminds me every damned day that i was and will continue to be a screw up if i don't change...

____________________

i hope God sees the good in me
i hope He wants to work with me and fix the bad
i hope He'll love me if i chase this music
and this woman


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i wrote for t tonight. just a little short thing. i think it came out beautifully. i think, the more i write it, the more i feel it, or the more i want to feel it.



she is
my freedom
my purpose
my religion, beyond practise and pretense
she became my

faith

beyond dogma and principle;
virtue
secured deep
in the linings of my intestine
saturating
my belief systems with

a new life

and i am driven
in her behalf, espoused
to her slightest stir

her posession
willing,

forever

she wants to know what's going on with me. not because of the poem, but because i've been pensive and quiet today.

i can't tell her.

telling ruins.

they can't know until i have proof.
i don't know at this point. i believe. but that's not good enough. i hope it comes soon because holding out on the one person who listens unconditionally is hard. but i've established principles and i have to stand by them regardless. because i've sold too much bs.

time to pray.

i talked to my nigga yesterday.

he left philly for new york a few months ago, with nothing but some change in his pocket and a cellphone.

i called the number he left with me yesterday on some check up sht, just to see how the man is doing.

turns out he's on the come up.

i hope it lasts man. like, i see potential in him to be great. he just has to get over himself. we talked extensively last night. me being at this point in my life, some sort of a cross roads, where i don't know what's going to happen but i'm becoming ready to move caution aside and take advantage of this youth, my nigga dropped some knowledge on me.

it's all about taking advice these days. taking that advice for what it's worth, doing away with what i know to be excelsior, and absorbing those principals... he's had an opportunity to see much more than i have, and before, i used to discount that. i'd listen to him with half an ear, but he put some stuff to me and i've got to listen.

he told me to what levels he went down when he was homeless... how he was eating rotten bananas, living for 2 months off of candy, teeth going bad because he hadnt brushed them... getting chicks numbers but not following up because he was too embarassed-

it just had me thinking.

and he told me to hit my head on the ground when i wake up
and before i go to sleep
and live in between

that's the realest ive heard
and i feel bad because i didn't do it this morning... it's gonna be hard to make myself regimented like that, but i'm gonna go after it. i wanna bring in reading the bible too...

because i do believe in Him.
i do. i know He has infinite power... i know i'm rough around the edges, and i don't do all i am supposed to, but i know He's got room for me, and i know i belong with Him.

i got issues with a buncha things... and in the end i want to do right
but He's gotta show me because the things im drawn to
no, the things i LIVE for
if they are wrong then i gotta be SHOWN.

but dun dropped knowledge. and i can't but respect his hustle. i can't. just like justin, gotta respect. cus these niggas been there.

so i bump my head to the floor
the lowest i can go
before i take a bite of bread or wash my body or play a beat or beat my dick or ANYTHING
and i bump my head at night when ive made it back to the rest and im safe and im ready to let it all subside for the day
and in between i hustle as a service

and it can't be a question whether i am gonna do what i say i'm gonna do

there is no question

i cant be acting all dick smiley when it does start jumping off
each revelation, each come up, only an added piece to God's little puzzle called david
because it's all written

*sigh*

here we go.

*sigh*

so

i'm quitting manofwords till i get something legit going with my life.

i think i've plagued the world enough with my over the top grandiosity regarding my future plans. this about sums it up.
so i'm done.

t and i discussed it long and hard last night.
she wants me to continue discussig my dreams. i promised her i would but ive reconsidered. it's just not feasible. i can't continually talk shit.

so.

the plan is to attempt a run at the institute of audio research.
i may not make it by january. but that's what i want to do.

if not, march 1.

whatever the case, next year. early. after those 9 months are up, LOTS of decisions will be made.

niggas said i lacked focus.
they'ont wanna see me focused.