never thought

that i'd find myself identifying with an usher album, even if it's less with words than music.

for anyone that reads this blog, i know i've kinda jumped right into things, but i needed an immediate outlet to vent a bit- hoping for some, well, you know, catharsis.

but, here's a briefing on the ultimate angle of this blog.


me and t met a little more than 3 years ago. i liked her immediately, even though i'm 2 years and one month her senior. she was a 19 y/o sophmore i think, and i was already being baptized in the 9to5 corporate world. we both were writers, (were being the operative word) and i felt that she could write her ass off. not sure exactly why i liked her initially the way i did. whatever the case, she and i became good friends, and in the process, i started making, i dunno, "plays for her heart" i guess. for lack of a less cheesy description.

initially she was unresponsive. kinda shrugged it off like i was just flirting. i started breaking it down that i was serious, because i could kinda feel that i wasnt being rejected as much as she was protecting something. i remember, i asked her "are you saying you don't want me to be attracted to you?" there was this long pause, and then she said, "...well, no". that just made me feel like i had a chance.

i hounded the shit out of her, honestly. and blindly, really. because i mean... she lives 700 miles away. i don't know if it was the initial aloofness towards my advances that made me so ravenous for her attention, but i tried harder as she pulled back.

i started noticing that recoil weaken a year or so into our friendship... we talked on the phone more, late at night type shit. you know how that goes, and all that's involved. feelings started getting stronger, we shared some real personal shit with each other. we both were 'talking to someone' at the time, but we kind of ignored any prior commitments, if any, and held on to whatever we had. i remember it took for ever for her to tell me that she loved me.

we were so careful about defining it for so long, but as time passed, and niggas just stopped caring, it was like, fuck it. i love you, you love me, what does that make us?

e'en though we never called ourselves boyfriend and girlfriend until less than a year ago, we'd had our share of drama. back in 2002, she climbed in bed with some other dude and whatever happened happened then. she told me about it, i was salty as shit for a while, but then i got over it. and then, early last year i happened across somebody who turned my attention. similar incident, similar outcome. all that shit notwithstanding, we made it official around fall of last year. she came up and spent the christmas break with me and it was the most awesome time i'd had in a long while. just sitting up in the hotel room, chilling, doing whatever whenever. i had a ball. and when she left, it was the one of the hardest nights i ever had to endure, man.

so by now, i'm pretty much convinced that at least for the forseeable future, she's the one. she's by far the best friend i've got at this point- we've literally talked every night for the past 10 months. i'm having thoughts about marriage and shit. the biggest issue now is, what are we gonna do when she graduates? she doesnt want to move here with me... i wanted to move to ny... she wants to go to grad school in chicago... she cries every time we discuss it. we put off decisions about our relationship until who knows when, it comes up randomly and abruptly gets sent back to whence it came- all the time, i'm getting more and more of a feeling that i can't do this shit anymore. i'm not built for this long distance shit; i knew that a long time ago, but i stay a soldier... she made it easy to ignore the overall loneliness. we'd talk and everything would be renewed in me.

fastforward to this year. i get a new job, she's embroiled in her last few semesters of undergrad college, and all the time we're trying to keep the reins on an unbridled relationship that's gone way beyond being sufficed by phone contact.

imagine like, always feeling disappointed. just, always. it's like being depressed. and lonely. and empty when you hang up the phone. on top of that, i swear my health has fallen off, because of busting it up with her every night, til 3 in the morning, and then getting up at 7am for work... i havent slept a full night since i don't know when. but that's what our schedule affords us. so i try to live with it.