i'm getting disoriented again.

i'm not sure what to make of my surroundings now, everythings starting to get confused now
i hate it when this happens, theres always a severe drop off after ive been coasting on a high for a little bit

i was making beats everyday

i was on the verge of some really big projects

i was meeting beautiful women and making headway in my tattered relationship

now i feel like i'm drowning in it all

my beats all sound the same
my land lord's calling me and asking if i'm going to renew my lease 6months into my current one
i really dont want to but i honestly don't feel like looking for a new apartment

i also want a new job

i'm sick and tired of wearing ties to work and making weak money

i'm unhappy with this thing me and t have
i need to tell her but it's incredibly difficult to breach the walls on this subject, i'm just too nice
so there's this thick atmosphere of disillusionment thatwe're just wandering around in

girls in general are getting on my nerves and i'm having one of those spells where i'm thinking maybe i'm better off alone, single forever, jacking off at my computer/tv staring at naked women who give you no strings attached sex appeal in 4 hour blocks, and will stop when ever you're ready

i don't think about anything else but music and that leaves no space for relationships
i'm trying to squeeze other shit back in but it feels like i'm up against a wall already

i know i can't live like this much longer... i often say that if the music thing doesnt work, that i'll beh appy knowing that i gave it the old college try, and move back in to mainstream life where i hold down a job, get a family and die like the average american

but deep down inside i know thats a lie

if this music stuff dont work man, i dont know
ive done myself a great disservice investing so much in it, so much of myself and my hopes and aspirations
its one of the few things in this world that's remotely real to me
part of my disorientation involves me secondguessing myself
but i know i'm not good enough
nobody is trying to pay me for the beats i make, for real
and i'm struggling to not make the same beat every day
i don't feel like i'm particularly talented at crafting music
i'm trying to find my niche but i'm feeling around blindly.. and it's not like ive got some stipend to support my creative exploration

i have to go to work 5 days a week, 8 hours a day

i just feel like i'm falling apart, man

i cant keep up with the passage of time
i'm getting ready to go on a trip that as of now has no significant point
i'm tired all the time
i'm unhappy, angry even
i'm STILL being pulled in 3 diff directions, this time only by friends

and i can't keep a date with God to save my life

lol if there ever was a textbook case for biblebearing warriors of god to come thru and scoop a nigga up, this is it... i'm KNEELING before life and begging for a chance

i really do just want to be myself man.

i think that's it

I THINK THAT'S IT!

i want to be myself, no distractions, no explanations, no apologies

i have this image in my head, of who i really am... of course it includes my natural flaws, things i cant change.. like my tooth is still crooked and i still have this weird skin that bruises itself
and i still have these goofy ass thumbs that look like they may be triple-opposable
but i want to do things taht i want to do, without people questioning me
if i want to have a friend over for the weekend i dont want to check in about it with NOBODY
i also want to beable to say no to that friend and not have the friend throw a tantrum

i want to get this tattoo on my arm and grow my goatee out and wear my hair kinda nappy without my folks writing me off as alost cause... i want them to respect me regardless and when i say something i want them to hear a man saying it

i want my music to command attention and i want it to command dollars, and i want it to be what pays the bills so i dont have to come into this godforsaken office one more day... i want to fly on a plane to LA to do a session with some rapper, lay down some beats on my laptop nad have completed a days work by the end of that day.. i wanna get paid off THAT

i wanna go back home after 2 days in LA and finsih up the vocal takes onmy own ground breaking LP that's been so long in the works.. and have a release party and sell 100k independent, take the money and by more equipment, get started on a new batch of beats, go record shopping in france and brazil, spend some time on the beach, invest some dough, by a house, and pray every day because that's what my routine is built on.. my prayer

i wanna see some dividends off my prayer

i wanna see god work

i wanna be certain in my mind that i'm in line with his purpose to the best of my ability, and that he understands where im fallin off... i wanna be sure that i'm giving it my all too... and i wanna have that worked out so that it's not always bearing down on my conscience like a dull pain

basically i wanna build my little box to live in and i want to be happy once i close the doors...

so much to do man

sigh

jesus.

so i'm moved in my new aparment.

this shit is hard yo.

I haven't been here 3 weeks and I alread feel broke as shit. I have to pay within the next week or so:

rent-at LEAST $500 (and that's only because it's prorated)
cable/internet bill-$93.73
phone bill-between $40-60 (just to keep it on)
electric-$god knows how much.

all I know is that my computer is on a lot when I'm here. a lot. so I'm expecting the worst.

I have $1300 to last me until next pay period. in that time I will need:

groceries
a haircut
2 transpasses
at the very least. this is assuming I don't eat out at least once before december 9th. there's no records in there, no microphone, no frills.

yo. I can't live like this. I don't wanna have to work any harder, but gotdamn man. maybe a new/another job is the answer. I mean... I had a plan never to let my savings account go below $1000. sounds good right? well. when your monthly output is guaranteed to be at least $700, and you only make $1300 a month... ugh.

I don't even wanna think about it. pray for me.

again

the work week begins

these days i'm actually anxious to get to work. just wanna see these paychecks stack. gonna be hard covincing mnyself to *not* spend money tho.

i talked to r yesterday. she saw my blog and started running off at the mouth about how i wasn't proactive, so to speak. like, yo. don't give me a pep talk when i've already done the self help thing. she has no right to any of me, any more.

i can't stand her, honestly. the way she talks, what she talks about, she's just a ridiculous character that i can do with out. she thinks she can lay some sort of a claim now that she lives in the same city as me. think again. you have fun with your possessive boyfriend... i'm good over here.

________________________

...so i havent been praying like ive wanted to. i left my bible at home. it's gonna be hard getting that part of my life straightened out... but i'ma work at it.

i met this girl online, through okayplayer, and she's interested in some of my music for a mix tape she's putting together. it's a project, i'll take it. as many projects as i can get my sounds involved with, i'll take them and run. i have to knock out these two tracks for purnell, the 3 pc. for Cdyce, and then *maybe* something for The Mic Sounds Nice.

it doesnt matter who the takers are at this point, or whether i get paid. i've got something to prove to everybody and i'm not fronting like i dont care. because i do. the fact that EVERYbody had/has the same opinion of me is hurtful. but it's not their fault, even though i'm shoving their opinons right in my gas tank.

it's my fault.

almost 25, and largely a waste of a man.

________________________

denise called me yesterday... as mean as she tries to be, she really does look out for me. i appreciate that so much. i have to let her know i got her message and that i'm thankful for her help. she might could get it too.

nah but really. she's looking out. on her weekend. that's checking for a broham.

________________________

i still havent received a response from IAR. i guess i'm going to have to call them. i'm trying to get this school visit somewheres in the vicinity of last week of october.

________________________

i dont even want friends anymore man. i'm just hellbent on proving something to everyone. kinda scared of that.

________________________

t mentioned something in her blog that had me thinking. let me quote exactly.

"i dont know what to do. i halfway dont know what i want anymore.
well that's a lie--i know who i want. i just dont know that the immediate future is going to (or should) allow it anymore."

wha?

i so have a feeling that she isn't leaving that state.

i guess i should start bracing for impact, eh?

im glad i posted those im convos

i'm sure everybody who i borrowed from reads it and thinks i'm an ass...
but it's there for a reason.

everytime i click on that page and read it i tear up.
i spent like 20 minutes today going through my old entries.
it's sad. because i gave everybody my delusions of grandeur as some sort of pretense regarding my striving for success, and i managed to convince myself that they'd be fooled.

everybody saw through me.
i just had no idea i was transparent.

it makes me want to cry. i can feel tears welling up right now. because i was & am, a shambles.

but i'm pitying myself, seeing my flaw and recognizing it as such, and that's only a small percentage of the war i'm waging.

that last post on manofwords reminds me every damned day that i was and will continue to be a screw up if i don't change...

____________________

i hope God sees the good in me
i hope He wants to work with me and fix the bad
i hope He'll love me if i chase this music
and this woman


____________________

i wrote for t tonight. just a little short thing. i think it came out beautifully. i think, the more i write it, the more i feel it, or the more i want to feel it.



she is
my freedom
my purpose
my religion, beyond practise and pretense
she became my

faith

beyond dogma and principle;
virtue
secured deep
in the linings of my intestine
saturating
my belief systems with

a new life

and i am driven
in her behalf, espoused
to her slightest stir

her posession
willing,

forever

she wants to know what's going on with me. not because of the poem, but because i've been pensive and quiet today.

i can't tell her.

telling ruins.

they can't know until i have proof.
i don't know at this point. i believe. but that's not good enough. i hope it comes soon because holding out on the one person who listens unconditionally is hard. but i've established principles and i have to stand by them regardless. because i've sold too much bs.

time to pray.

i talked to my nigga yesterday.

he left philly for new york a few months ago, with nothing but some change in his pocket and a cellphone.

i called the number he left with me yesterday on some check up sht, just to see how the man is doing.

turns out he's on the come up.

i hope it lasts man. like, i see potential in him to be great. he just has to get over himself. we talked extensively last night. me being at this point in my life, some sort of a cross roads, where i don't know what's going to happen but i'm becoming ready to move caution aside and take advantage of this youth, my nigga dropped some knowledge on me.

it's all about taking advice these days. taking that advice for what it's worth, doing away with what i know to be excelsior, and absorbing those principals... he's had an opportunity to see much more than i have, and before, i used to discount that. i'd listen to him with half an ear, but he put some stuff to me and i've got to listen.

he told me to what levels he went down when he was homeless... how he was eating rotten bananas, living for 2 months off of candy, teeth going bad because he hadnt brushed them... getting chicks numbers but not following up because he was too embarassed-

it just had me thinking.

and he told me to hit my head on the ground when i wake up
and before i go to sleep
and live in between

that's the realest ive heard
and i feel bad because i didn't do it this morning... it's gonna be hard to make myself regimented like that, but i'm gonna go after it. i wanna bring in reading the bible too...

because i do believe in Him.
i do. i know He has infinite power... i know i'm rough around the edges, and i don't do all i am supposed to, but i know He's got room for me, and i know i belong with Him.

i got issues with a buncha things... and in the end i want to do right
but He's gotta show me because the things im drawn to
no, the things i LIVE for
if they are wrong then i gotta be SHOWN.

but dun dropped knowledge. and i can't but respect his hustle. i can't. just like justin, gotta respect. cus these niggas been there.

so i bump my head to the floor
the lowest i can go
before i take a bite of bread or wash my body or play a beat or beat my dick or ANYTHING
and i bump my head at night when ive made it back to the rest and im safe and im ready to let it all subside for the day
and in between i hustle as a service

and it can't be a question whether i am gonna do what i say i'm gonna do

there is no question

i cant be acting all dick smiley when it does start jumping off
each revelation, each come up, only an added piece to God's little puzzle called david
because it's all written

*sigh*

here we go.

*sigh*

so

i'm quitting manofwords till i get something legit going with my life.

i think i've plagued the world enough with my over the top grandiosity regarding my future plans. this about sums it up.
so i'm done.

t and i discussed it long and hard last night.
she wants me to continue discussig my dreams. i promised her i would but ive reconsidered. it's just not feasible. i can't continually talk shit.

so.

the plan is to attempt a run at the institute of audio research.
i may not make it by january. but that's what i want to do.

if not, march 1.

whatever the case, next year. early. after those 9 months are up, LOTS of decisions will be made.

niggas said i lacked focus.
they'ont wanna see me focused.