im glad i posted those im convos
i'm sure everybody who i borrowed from reads it and thinks i'm an ass...
but it's there for a reason.
everytime i click on that page and read it i tear up.
i spent like 20 minutes today going through my old entries.
it's sad. because i gave everybody my delusions of grandeur as some sort of pretense regarding my striving for success, and i managed to convince myself that they'd be fooled.
everybody saw through me.
i just had no idea i was transparent.
it makes me want to cry. i can feel tears welling up right now. because i was & am, a shambles.
but i'm pitying myself, seeing my flaw and recognizing it as such, and that's only a small percentage of the war i'm waging.
that last post on manofwords reminds me every damned day that i was and will continue to be a screw up if i don't change...
____________________
i hope God sees the good in me
i hope He wants to work with me and fix the bad
i hope He'll love me if i chase this music
and this woman
____________________
i wrote for t tonight. just a little short thing. i think it came out beautifully. i think, the more i write it, the more i feel it, or the more i want to feel it.
she is
my freedom
my purpose
my religion, beyond practise and pretense
she became my
faith
beyond dogma and principle;
virtue
secured deep
in the linings of my intestine
saturating
my belief systems with
a new life
and i am driven
in her behalf, espoused
to her slightest stir
her posession
willing,
forever
she wants to know what's going on with me. not because of the poem, but because i've been pensive and quiet today.
i can't tell her.
telling ruins.
they can't know until i have proof.
i don't know at this point. i believe. but that's not good enough. i hope it comes soon because holding out on the one person who listens unconditionally is hard. but i've established principles and i have to stand by them regardless. because i've sold too much bs.
time to pray.
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